grouphugs | [meme] christmas means k-i-s-s-i-n-g

[He's not sure when this feeling settled in. When he started to crave something from someone else. When he started to feel lonely. 40something and he's never really had a relationship. He's got Mick. He's got his Sister. His family. And for a time that's all that mattered. That's all he needed even when they all went their separate ways. He met Barry, he had his fun as the Flash and Captain Cold. He got caught and for the first time, someone believed in him, even when he wouldn't believe in himself.

So he became a Legend. He ran through time with a new team and let Sara in. He and Mick had their problems, he nearly lost his best friend. But you never realize how much someone means to you until you really lose them. This time, there was the risk that Mick would never come back. So Len fought and he lost a hand doing it, but he saved Mick. They fixed things the best that they could. It would take time but here they were. And over time he began to feel things and he took a chance on Sara, only to be shot down. He should've seen it coming though, she was more interested in women. He was too much of a jerk. She deserved better anyway.

Just how he's telling himself that Barry deserves better. And yet... he can't get this feeling to go away. He's been so used to being cold to survive. He just automatically responds to things to protect himself, and others, to keep people at an arms length and to just be a jerk because that's what he's used to. He doesn't have to keep doing that to himself and it's a hard habit to shake. Especially when he thinks so little of himself. The Ego is just for show, to appear strong when he knows just how much of a worthless criminal he is.

But Barry saw more. Still does. Still believes in him and wants to care about him and Len doesn't know what to do with that. Or if he does he's afraid to. He's afraid to disappoint him or to hurt him. And for a brief moment his dad is yelling at him and calling him pathetic. The man may have been an abusive asshole and so far removed from anything Barry is, but he loved the guy just as much as he hated him. He always pined for the way things might have been, which is part of what led him to join the Legends in the first place.

He wanted to change things, to see if he could be something better. To start from the beginning and make himself a better person. But that's not how things work. And he just has to realize that he needs to start with himself, right here, right now if he wants to make something better out of his life. Becoming a Legend, helping to save the timeline was a start. And maybe Barry was the next step. Especially if he just can't shake these thoughts or feelings.

But he can't do this here or now. Not like this. He needs to get his head together.]

It ain't that simple.

[He turns to head home. Mick can stay at the party and do the damage control for the kid. He needs to figure himself out. He needs time and space to try and decipher what he really wants, what his heart is telling him. He needs to try and find the confidence in himself and take that leap. It's a much bigger leap than with Sara that's for sure. He's not used to this. He's not used to surrendering to his feelings like this and it's uncomfortable. It doesn't suit him. But he can't keep pushing people away. Especially when he wants it.

So when he gets home he gets a shower in hopes it'll clear his head. Then he lays in bed staring at the ceiling, turning the ring on his pinky with his thumb in thought. He'll peer at the new watch, then the ceiling then back to the watch, counting down the minutes and just drowning. He can't stop thinking about Barry, about everything. How the kid changed him. How he kept trying to get close to him, to be his friend, to show him kindness. It was awkward and sort of uncomfortable, but it wasn't bad. It was something he'd been missing all his life. And he hurt him. He disappointed him just as he was worried he'd do.

He could fix it though.

For a moment he stopped thinking. Stopped listening to how his brain wanted to over process everything. He picked up his phone and he texted barry a time and a place. Then he got up and he left. It was the middle of the night, the party would be drawing to a close as people stumbled home to sleep. Len went to the one place he would always go in central city to clear his head, to stand in the cool breeze and think. It was a comforting place for him, a place only he, Mick and Lisa knew about. Or at least, his sister and his partner would always know where to find him when he needed space and went for a walk.]

[Mick didn't have to worry too much about damage control. Barry simply shook it off, reassured him that it was okay and that he was fine. He wasn't, they both knew that, but it got Mick off the hook from any further awkward attempts to tell him that his partner is a complete idiot and maybe he'll come around.

It's fine. Really. It had been a risk, giving Len gifts like that, daring to reach out and kiss his cheek and it had backfired on him. Maybe Len just didn't look at him the same way, or maybe he just didn't want anything beyond the odd almost-friendship that they'd developed since the Waverider had come back from saving the timeline.

Maybe Oliver was right. Guys like them don't get the girl, or in this case, the guy. But he'll be okay. Barry was starting to get used to people walking away from him. He won't ever stop caring about Len, won't ever stop wanting him to realize that there is so much good in him, that he deserves to be happy. He can still be his friend, be that voice that reminds him of those things.

Barry lingers at the party a while longer before slipping out, losing himself in a run to try and clear his head. The text comes as he's finishing off another sandwich in his apartment and while it's confusing as hell, Barry texts an affirmative and races off to meet Len.]

[Len is sitting under a sakura tree that has long since lost it's flowers. He's got his parka pulled in tight around him and zipped up, hood covering his buzzed head from the brisk and cold breeze coming in off the water. Not many people frequented the park in winter, let alone at night. But this is where he liked to go for some peace and quiet, to think and set himself straight. He looked out over the water and the reflection of the city on the surface, waiting, thinking and not wanting to run away before Barry arrived. That had to count for something.

Sure enough the speedster shows up on time and there's room on his bench for another.]

I used to come out here a lot when I needed time to think.

[He starts, eyes still cast out over the city and the bridge just up the way.]

I'd think about the next job, go over the plans in my head, or just come out here to stop thinking. To just shut off and clear everything out so I could start fresh. To give myself a moment of quiet and find where I need to go from here or what I really want.

[Blue eyes turn to look up at the speedster, a light glint in them and a small lopsided smile.]

Edited 2016-12-13 17:42 (UTC)

[Barry doesn't make it to the park as often as he'd like anymore, but the spot that Len selected is pretty. The light sparkling off the water and the sound of the wind stirring the branches above them, it's nice and he's glad that Len reached out to share it with him. He sits down beside him, shoving his hands in his pockets and resisting the urge to tuck in closer to stay warm.]

It's a nice place. [He shivers a little.] I can see why you like it.

[And then Len turns his attention back to him, that small smile sending his pulse skittering and his stomach into freefall.] Yeah? And what did you find?

[It's good to note he's still wearing the ring and the watch. As Barry sits with him he'll shift his position some. He's already looking comfortable, one knee crossed over the other. But he'll stretch one arm over the back of bench as Barry joins him, sort of opening up the space between them, making an invisible bubble for just the pair of them. It's a silent invitation should the speedster eventually get too cold.

His blue eyes lift to the cloudy and dark sky above as he searches for an answer.]

When I shut down my rampant thoughts it helps to focus. So I can get a better grasp of my gut feelings about something that might be eluding me.

[Like his feelings in general and sorting them all out. He knows what his brain is trying to warn him about, he can hear all the reasons screaming at him not to pursue this. But his heart and his gut feeling are winning out over the bad vibes right now.

Long fingers tap the wood behind Barry's right shoulder in a light, thoughtful rhythm. Maybe he's still a little nervous about this, though he appears fairly calm compared to earlier. He takes a deep breath and tries to figure out the words to say or how to actually answer the other and not just give him some story hinting at what he's been doing since he left the party.]

I'm sorry... about how I acted earlier.

[Apologies are hard, ok?

He tilts his head and notes the way the others shoulders are drawn in and or how he shivers slightly.]

Are you cold?

[He unzips his parka.]

You can come closer, I won't bite.

Edited (last edit I swear, WORDING WHAT IS) 2016-12-13 20:48 (UTC)

[It does help to see that glint of silver, the dark blue face of the watch peeking out from the sleeve of his parka. His posture is open and inviting, wanting Barry there rather than simply tolerating him.

He turns a little more towards him, focusing on Len's words and letting him find his way to the conclusion he's trying to make.] It's okay. It was probably a little much, especially at a party like that. [An abashed smile because yeah, he should have thought about that.

And he's trying hard not to shiver, but the breeze off the water is frigid.] Yes. God yes.

[He doesn't go as far as sliding his arms around Len and burrowing into the parka, but he does crowd in closer with a small smile.]

Thanks. Guess I brought the wrong jacket.

You uh... you did catch me a little off guard.

[As Barry moves in he'll slip his arm around his shoulders and hug him closer to keep him warm. He's welcome to slip in under the parka and get closer still, but Len figures he'll let the other do as he likes.]

It's alright, the parka is big enough for the both of us.

Sorry. I should have waited. [But he doesn't regret giving him the gifts.

As Len hugs him in closer Barry finally gives in and wraps his arms around his very warm and very solid torso. His head is all but resting against his shoulder as he speaks and maybe it's for the best, so he can confess how he feels quietly.]

You're important to me, Len. I've always seen something special in you. I guess I'd hoped.. that maybe you saw it in me too.

Quit apologizing, you did fine. I just...

[He shifts to get comfortable as Barry wraps his arms around him and settles in against him. He falls silent, listening to what the other has to say about him and he tips his head to press his cheek to Barry's. He swallows softly as the words twist a knot in his chest.]

You've always been dead set on making me your friend. I just... missed the signs I guess... I didn't realize you started to see me as something more. I didn't really understand how much you meant to me.

[He tips his cheek against Barry's and he has to resist the urge to bury his face in Len's warm sweater and breathe in the way his skin smells. The slight spice of his cologne, clean soap.

Barry is ready to tell him that it's okay if he doesn't feel the same way, that he'd still like them to stay friends, but his last statement has him pulling up short.]

You mean a lot to me Len. You've got such a good heart.

[He'll shift just enough to slip his arm out of the sleeve of his parka and tuck the edge of it around Barry's shoulders so he's nearly wearing half of it. Now that they're both inside his jacket he'll pull the other closer till there's no more room between them. If he gets any closer Barry would be in his lap. He rubs his arm with long fingers to work up more warmth and friction to keep the speedster comfortable.]

I don't. Not when compared to yours. I'm capable of some good, but nothing like what you do every day. I couldn't do what you do all the time. I'm too selfish to make those kinds of sacrifices.

[Ever since the lightning Barry has been absolutely terrible about the cold. But with his arms around Len, half-buried in his parka, suddenly it doesn't seem so bad. There's something wonderful about the closeness. Maybe the start of something, relationship or friendship, Barry would be happy with either.

The comparison draws a small snort as he shakes his head.] But you are capable of it. [He touches a finger to Len's chest.] You deserve to be happy, to have something good in your life.

[He hasn't even let anyone he considers a friend this close. not quite like this anyway. He wouldn't dream of doing anything like this with Mick. If his sister needed comfort she'd be just about the only person in his life that would be able to do this with him.]

I don't have to do good to be happy. I don't want to be saving people all the time, too much hassle. That's your job.

[He pauses.]

I do have someone good in my life.

[Barry laughs into the warmth of Len's shoulder as he curls in a little closer against the chill.] Right, right. That's my job. [This is.. nice. Sitting beside Len, curled up close with his arms around him to keep warm. He lifts his head to watch his eyes, that small smile of his.]

So do I. Someone pretty wonderful.

[And as much as he wants to lean in closer, to kiss him, Barry has to be sure.] Len? I'm not.. I'm not reading this wrong, am I?

[The ex-criminal tips his head so he can look into those curious, if slightly worried eyes and draws out his answer for a moment before shrugging. He'll then lift his free hand, brushing light finger tips along Barry's jaw to cup his chin and lean in for a kiss. It's soft and slow, lips a little cold from the air but the kiss itself is warm and sensual. He breaks after a few heartbeats and smirks.]

How does that read?

[Barry doesn't think he's misread things, but he doesn't want to be wrong, doesn't want to risk a friendship on the chance that he's wrong. The touch along his jaw causes his pulse to skitter and he moves in just a little bit as Len kisses him. A soft sigh slips free as he tries to crowd in closer.

As the kiss breaks, Barry's smile is warm and bright as he tips his forehead to Len's.] That reads just right to me.

[In fact, it's perfect. Best Christmas ever in his book.]

[meme] christmas means k-i-s-s-i-n-g

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